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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

의사선생님, 이건뭔가요? (heart to heart - kinda)

Hello internet
I've been gone for a long time. 

It's already November and it hit me the other day, that we passed the 1-year day for when my depression "started". I put started in "-" because depression isn't really something that you get from one day to the other. It's a long process. I'm not sure why I've been so embarrassed to talk about it. Usually I just talk about it as me being "sick for a while" which isn't wrong at all, but I feel that it's a little misleading. And I spoke of it that way on purpose because I was ashamed. Not only of letting my illness get that far but also because I feel weak for giving into it. Now, 9 months into recovery, I can tell you - with a smile on my face - that I am doing so much better.

I was diagnosed in January 2014 with severe depression triggered by stress - I was MISERABLE, suicidal and just a complete wreck. I lost a lot of weight and I looked awful. If you follow me on YOUTUBE, you may have noticed that I deleted my most recent vlog - for the mere reason that I felt really uncomfortable watching it. I thought I was doing really well when I made that video, but looking back now I was not myself. I looked terrible. I looked sick, and it scared the shit out of me to see that. So I got rid of it. 

I started therapy in the beginning of February and it was a struggle to gather the courage to open up to my therapist and just let it all go. However, I set my mind to NOT giving up. I refused to live a life that miserable. I refused to hate myself and I refused to be ashamed of me. I wanted to rid myself of the pressure that I'd put on myself, I wanted to smile again and enjoy being with friends and family. My ultimate low was on New Year's Eve 2013, and I will never forget that night. That was when it really dawned on me that I needed help.

I've come a long way for the past 9 months and I'm finally ready to tell you all what has been going on. I suffered from severe stress and depression, I had daily panic attacks and I was unable to perform normal daily tasks - even figuring out what to eat was stressful to me, so I usually ended up not eating at all; causing me to lose the weight. I was punishing my mind and punishing my body for something that was never my fault. I always had a tendency to be very much in my own head, but when you finally stick your sensors out of your head, out into the world.. it's fucking terrifying! All those feelings that I was never aware of! The way people behaved, how social conduct was done, all the things you weren't allowed to say or do or feel because "oh no, that's politically incorrect". Well you know what? FUCK THAT. 

A huge part of my recovery has been to stop "earning" things that made me happy. I have a slight OCD that causes me to have to have all chores done for the day before I am allowed to say; watch TV or eat food. I still feel that way a lot of times, but I've gotten better at saying "Hey? Why the fuck do I need permission to do things that I like to do and that make me happy?" And the thing is - I DON'T. It's this weird idea that I somehow planted in my own head. 

The OCD part isn't the only thing that's gotten better. I've become much better at avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable. This is especially important because my anxiety is still pretty bad. I used to not really have much anxiety at all. Of course I'd get elevated heart rate and sweaty palms when speaking in public, but never to the extent I'm at now. I went to the doctor's today and the verdict on my current condition?

I went from stress-induced, severe depression
- to moderate anxiety

I knew that I had anxiety (the severe panic attacks spoke for themselves) but I never knew that it was actually this bad. However, looking back at the type of things I avoid in order to keep my anxiety in check? Yeah, those should've been a clue, alright. There are many things that I am able to do because of therapy, taking time off from uni, finding a new, better job etc. But there are also many things that will take me a long time to be able to do again. Maybe months, maybe years. Either way, while it's really difficult for me, I'm gonna have to be patient about it. 

I'm not really sure why I'm telling you this. Maybe I needed to get it off my chest. It helped a little, at least. Hue hue. For so long I was really embarrassed about this whole ordeal, but after getting the results in today that I now have moderate anxiety. Yeah.. recovery is not easy - but it's damn worth it! I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I have a very particular system when it comes to managing my time between uni, work and friends. Admittedly I love working, going to class and then coming home and being just myself. If you've never hated yourself full on for years on end, I don't think you'll understand how big an accomplishment it is for me to actually be able to tolerate my own company. I enjoy my solitude. Not in a depressing way, but in a "I'm good enough to hang with"-kind of way... if that makes sense....? I don't dread the silence or the lack of people present anymore. Actually, people being around makes me more anxious than being alone does. Ahh~ now all I need is a cat  :')  *side-eyes mom* (Hehe, she won't let me get one. I live on my own and am an adult, but I respect my parents' opinions on things a lot.. so yeah)

Also, speaking of my parents, I guess this is a great opportunity to thank them. Not only thank them for helping me seek help, but for providing the help and support I needed, when I was still in denial about being depressed and in serious need of help. They picked up the pieces of me when I was literally scattered all over the floor and put me back together. I would not have been here if it wasn't for them, and I'm not sure that they know that. So mom and dad; I thank you. From the bottom of my heart I want you to know that you saved my life. No words will ever be enough to express the love and gratitude I have for you and what you've done for me. Jeg elsker jer! ♡ 



Phew, that got a little emotional..


Aaaanyway

I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that it gets better, but it's your choice to take the first step towards getting better. People can hand you all the tools in the world to fix everything, but if you don't want to pick up and utilize those tools, you can't move forward. You have to be willing to take a chance. What do you really have to lose? My thoughts when I stepped into that doctor's office were "Fuck, this is terrifying what do I do aaarghhhhhhfsgkll!?!?!?!" but after that "Well, I don't have anything to lose. Cause this sure as shit can't get any worse." 

One year later it feels like that "me", the really sick and tired and exhausted me, existed centuries ago. Sometimes I even feel like it wasn't really me at all, but someone who took over my life for a while and then gave it back to me, ruined. Now that I'm back on the other side.. I feel relief. I'm content for the first time since... I think since I was 9 years old. Isn't that incredible? I've gone through so many childhood memories and issues that I created in my head. I've worked through it all and all I can really think about it now is "You silly, little girl." I guess the danger of being in your own head is that you tend to not express your feelings until they really boil over. And I still have to work on that. I have awful mood swings, my impatience is numbing and my intolerance is.. ridiculous, lol. But I'm working on that. I'm dealing with it because bottling shit up isn't worth it. 

When people say "Ugh, I'm so depressed today" all I have to say to that is "Oh, only today? Aren't you the luckiest of all!" because when you patronize and make little of someone's illness like that, it makes people feel like utter shit. Stop acting like depression or anxiety is some sort of "fashionable" defect, cause it fucking isn't. It's crippling! It's not something to be glorified as if it's some rare, vintage record. People with depression don't need your half-assed attempt at advice. They don't need "Oh, cheer up!" or "Why can't you just smile more?". I's a clear rejection of an illness that people cannot help. 

Would you kick someone with a broken leg over the shin and go "Just get up and walk on it, will ya'?!" because guess the fuck what, YOU CAN'T. No one expects someone with the flu and a fever or a broken leg to run a marathon, because that illness is physically there. They can measure it with a thermometer or document it with an x-ray. You can't do that with depression. Mine was only taken so seriously by my acquaintances because I lost so much weight that I started looking.. well... fucking terrible. They could TELL, physically, that I was not well. And that made it easier for them to relate to - therefore it was fine. But before I lost all the weight, before I turned deadly pale and before my hands were all shaky and weird from the anxiety.. who would send me texts and Facebook messages like these "Dude, why are you skipping class? You need to know this!", "Seriously.. You skipping again?", "Dude just come by for ONE hour, seriously", "Let me guess, you're not coming?"? - they would. And those snarky-ass comments? You can SHOVE THEM. 

I didn't need them. Nobody needs them and even if I was skipping class because I was lazy - guess what? It ain't your damn business. You are in no position to judge. Just because I don't live my life according to your reality it does NOT give you the right to judge me or my existence at all. I was in pain, I was suffocating and you were kicking dirt in my face because at least you went to class? Well what a fucking accomplishment. You will definitely go places in this world. My god.. because of people like you, my mom had to tell me SO MANY TIMES (and still to this day she tells me this often): "You would not go to class if you had a fever, you would not run a marathon with a broken leg and you would not force yourself to play tennis with a broken arm. So stop forcing yourself to do things that you're not comfortable with or capable of, just because you cannot "see" your own illness. It's there. It's legit and it's okay. Stop pushing yourself!" 

My mom is an incredible woman (and my dad an incredible man!), okay. Just saying. Anyway, speaking of the flu and a fever.... I actually have the flu, lol. I've been feverish and red-cheeked all weekend and I was having a crazy hot-flash at the doctor's today. Luckily no pneumonia is on the way, so it's just a matter of relaxing and getting sufficient rest. The joint pain is the worst, tho. My god, it kills! I'm taking the next two days off from uni to focus on recovering.. Hopefully I can get back into working out, eating clean and going back to class next week. And after that.. maybe youtube videos? ; D hue hue hue. We'll see. I really wanna start making them again! I miss editing.

 I'm sorry if this entry didn't make much sense. I randomly felt like spilling this word-vomit all over the internet and if there are any odd sentences - blame my fever-burnt brain ok. lol. It's taken me two days to convince myself that staying home from uni tomorrow is okay. -sigh-  I'm a very restless person, okay? So sitting still, relaxing and doing "nothing" is literally torture for me. I can sit still for a bit.. but if my brain has nothing to do, I get crazy restless and antsy. It drives me crazy. It usually drives me into doing dishes, laundry, cleaning and sorting through my things just to have something physical to do. Sadly this leads to my flu getting worse and lasting for much longer. My colds can last up to 3 weeks because of this! 

But for the first time since.. well, Buddha knows when, I'm allowing myself to take some time off from school to actually recover 100%. So yay me!

Also, did you guys know that the reason, your joints and muscles hurt so bad during the flu, is because the white blood cells, who usually repair and rebuild your muscles and joints on a daily basis, are redirected to fight off the infection? So they're neglecting their muscle- and joint repair in order to fight off the nasty flu. The body then raises its temperature in order to hopefully purge out the infection! HOW COOL IS THAT? Knowledge, you guys. Knowledge. 

My god, my head's about to explode. Let's call it a night, shall we? Hopefully an ibuprofen or two before bed will kill the worst of the joint pains and actually let me sleep tonight >__< phuu~

When I feel better, I will get to back to blogging.
I HAVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH
MUCH LOVE

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

자꾸왔다갔다... 뭐라는거야?

여러분안녕하세요?
오랜만이네요... 잘지냈죠? 잘지내고있죠?


I've been gone for a while and I apologize.
Here's a short update!
업데이트좀해줄게요~!
^3^)/


This is me! lol. Wearing a white shirt and epic butterfly! Cause butterflies/bowties are GREAT, ok. So great! -parties- Wore it for work last Thursday because we were having a staff meeting after and I wanted to look dapper as fuck - but of course the meeting got cancelled :( boo

Food!




Ylle!

을레라고부르는고양이다!

On that note; Kami cooked her infamous teriyaki shrimp and bulgur for me - so good!


I've been buying new clothes and stuff over the past 2 months time and I'd love to show y'all some awesome high-def. photos, but because I'm a huge idiot, I forgot my DSLR in my parents' camper when I saw them last month 눈.눈 so yeah.. that's also the reason I haven't posted a new YOUTUBE video in a really long time. I thought about doing a Macbook video and just touch base with the Youtube peeps, but now that I finally got time and energy to do it, I got this huge pimple on my forehead. lol. Oh well, excuses. I know. I'm shallow and such a procrastinator.. Anyway, the new clothes will have to wait! Here's a pic of my new bangs (a full 'new hair photo' will be on my IG in a week's time (read: a month or 10) or something.. you know.. for my annual selfie, lol.) and my new beanie : D it has a pom!
I'm also back to looking like a 12-yearold lesbian boy.. however that works.

In celebration of going back to school soon (5th semester at uni, woooh!) I got some new school supplies! Am I the only one who fucking loves shopping for school supplies? New pens in all colors of the rainbow - yes please! I also got a new smaller pencil case. I figured it was time to retire my old-ass Death Note pencil case that I've had for... oh god, I don't even know how long 눈.눈
Can't wait to get back to school and my schedule looks AWESOME - got work on weekends and then only got classes Tuesday and Wednesday! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH? 아싸!

On a side note I've been watching a shit ton of anime. If you follow my TWITTER, you've probably seen me complain about the lack of hours in a day. More anime. Mooooore! I'm currently keeping up with.. uhh.. how many? Kuroshitsuji: Book of Circus, FREE! Eternal Summer, Zankyou no Terror, Tokyo Ghoul, Love Stage!! and... what else? Haikyuu! So that's... 1, 2, 3... 6 series. Also the new season of Psycho-Pass comes out in October. What is life? I have no idea. lol. 
Anyway, in relation to Tokyo Ghoul (ghoul is pronounced "gool", btw. Who would've known?), can we talk about Uta? I love Uta. No, scratch that. I fucking ADORE Uta. Not only is he epic and adorable as fuck, he's pretty awkward and I love it. However.. can we talk about the above illustration? This cannot be a coincidence. Now, Miyavi is epic. The photo is from his Miyaviuta ~dokusou~ album's concept/style-shit. The photo on the right would be some epic fan art of Uta from Tokyo Ghoul.. now... the side cut, the pony tail, the tattoos and the baggy clothes. Ok, that could be a coincidence. But what punches me in the stomach here is the name - Uta... His name is Uta. The look Miyavi got was for his album MiyaviUTA. Uta means song. Miyavi named his album Miyavi Songs (roughly translated as I don't speak Japanese, ok - I only got my anime Japanese vocab, lol). But seriously... MiyaviUTA - Uta... HOW EVEN. I cannot. I just... no. Just no. Don't do this to me... don't... 눈.눈 *aggressive breathing* you catch my drift, yeah? And the piercings.. just. No, I won't go there. Calm yourself, Nani. You can get over this. Just.. -deep sigh-






눈.눈




Moving on...





While searching through my iPhone folder for pics for this entry, I stumbled across this one:
It's a photo taken by Julie's epic digital camera using self-shooting mode. We took it on our first real night out on the town in Shinchon... It's Julie, Rim, Marie, Mikko, 천찬씨, yours truly and Kat. I love this photo. In all its imperfect glory it truly represents our time in Korea, huh? Just fucking great. So great. -wipes tear- God, I miss Korea. 


As a bonus, here are two dog photos! Wooh! As mentioned earlier in the entry I went to see my parents while they were camping near Ledreborg Slot (I think that's what it's called). It was the annual Gold Cup dog show and it was so great (despite some turmoil caused by feta cheese T_T omg the paiiiiin). Anyway, I had a great time and managed to snap a few dog pics for my folder~ weee, my doggie babies ♡
First up is Maya. She's the daughter of Rosie, who passed away in late 2010. Rosie's registration digits are the numbers on my left arm (tattoo). I know some of you have been wondering wtf happened in 2005 since I got that tattoo, but yeah.. that's that.
and this is my parents' most recent pride and joy. Shirley! They picked her up in Austria the year I left for Korea (2012) and she's grown into a beautiful girl. Her temper is fantastic and she loves our young male, Iron to death. They're battling for dominance atm. (oh kids, lol) but they're so great together and are basically inseparable. She did well at the dog show (and so did Iron! He just got his German champion title! Woooh, DECH in the house!!).

Yeah, that's that. Maybe when classes start (and I get my camera back) I'll have more stuff to blog about. Honestly I don't have much desire to blog. I'm trying to get my shit together before school and just in general. I'm recovering well (in case you were wondering or concerned) though I have taken up the habit of isolating myself in my apt. on my days off fantasizing about holidays in Thailand 눈.눈 I blame Fay and all the Thai pop I've been listening to recently.

Anyway, have a good one, guys!
I hope you're doing well!
For those who're starting school soon... 화이팅!
and for those who already started - I feel your pain, lol! Hang in there!

MUCH LOVE

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

여름감기조심~!


갑자기감기걸렸는데도업데이트좀해줄게용
\(^__^)/ 여러분이잘지내죠?
정말... 감기는갑자기공격하는편이라서 
~
!

ㅎㅎ

오늘날씨가너무좋은데감기때문에외출하지못하잖아~ 눈.눈 짜증나..

Here are some of the things I've been up to. I caught a cold (which sucks major ass) and now I'm battling both allergies (due to epic summer weather+ light breezes) and a stupid cold that's tearing my lungs out.. or at least that's what it feels like. lol. Anyway, I've been hanging out with some friends, eating food (though not enough at all) and been slacking on my exercise as well due to a week PACKED with work last week. I am now ill and don't feel like killing myself (and my lungs) with tough work-outs, so I'm letting myself rest. Also trying to eat more, because I'm clearly not eating enough. Ugh, so annoying. Anyway! Foodporn yayyyyy~!

Sunset Boulevard sandwich! noms! Tuna in crispy bread, yesss!

Potato chips on cheat days! Wee! Saya appears to be wanting some too o__o

Finally had sushi date w/ JEONGIE. So goood!

We then went to have cocktails with 천찬씨 and our friend Dai ♡


Met the beautiful Kiara who was visiting from Korea! ^3^)/


My lunch from today! Trying to up my protein intake. o__o"


Apparently this is a "meal replacement bar". It's delicious! But I'd never encourage anyone to be "replacing" a meal with anything other than.. a meal. lol. "Meal replacements" are bullshit imo and they confuse the shit out of your metabolism -__-" This is good for protein tho and it has a good amount of fiber in it - plus, as I said, it's deliiiish, lol! I can only eat half tho, so I usually save the other half in the fridge to eat on the following day. Mmh!


Panang curry that I made the other day! Mmmh, yes. So good!


I have this outfit envisioned and it called for red converse.. so yeah. haha!
Ignore the cankles, please. I cannot help that 눈.눈

Here's a pretty sunset-photo!

Ahh, I caught a lucky light there, huh?
빛이잘나온거양 ㅎㅎ

A little pick-me-up from Instagram. I love this! Great encouragement if your diet is a bit off and you've been slacking on exercise (like I have!). Stay focused on what you want! YEAHH! ò__Ó)/


My new, beautiful cardigan from MONKI (excuse the shitty photo). I did a shit ton of shopping already - to the extend where I am actually considering doing a tomboy lookbook for my Youtube channel.. would that be of interest to anyone? I tried searching tomboy lookbooks on Youtube before, but my kind of tomboy style just wasn't really there imo. It's usually longhaired tumblr chicks who put on kicks and tie flannel shirts around their waists; that kind of stuff, lol.. which isn't my style tbh.. at all, actually... lol

혹시텀보이룩북만들어보여줄까요?
재밌겠다고생각해요? 좀알려주세용~

Either way the clothing haul will have to wait for a bit. Today's hot as fucking balls (approx 30*C!!!!) and I am dying tbh. It's hot, I have this stupid cold and my skull feels as if it's about to cave in T_T -sobs- Please pray for me, cause I might die. lol. I had work yesterday and the first 3 hours were awful. However, my colleague let me go to the pharmacy and I got some fever-reducers that helped me through the last 4 hours of work. Phew~! Today - after sleeping for more than 14 hours last night - I'm feeling a bit better, but this cold is not being very kind to me at all. I'm snotty, coughing up weird shit and ugh the headaches. /crey.. Let's hope I'm better before work on Saturday 눈.눈

아! 그리고! 요즘은이노래가좋다!
Currently one of my fav. songs! It's really catchy! ^3^)/

잘들어봐요. Give it a listen, if you want!

이상입니다!
Take care, guys! Don't catch a cold!
MUCH LOVE

Sunday, June 22, 2014

시험이온다 ㅠ.ㅠ

I have my last exam on Thursday and here are some things I've been doing instead of revising and studying. (hehehe oops)



Cooking all the fooooooods~!





Shopping kpop and jrock



Taking stupid selcas





Watching anime



Watching Orange is the New Black



Watching heyclaire



Baking for once!



watching the new SHINee DVD that Nezumi just got!



Pretending that AnimeCon didn't just happen



Working out (believe it or not, lol)



Taking long walks at night



Hanging with epic friends




Buying apartment stuff



Wondering if Saya actually hates me
she might.... 눈.눈


하루잘보내요
Have a good one!
MUCH LOVE

Thursday, June 12, 2014

나니のバスケ

NANI NO BASKET




hue hue hue


Just kiddin'... I suck at all games involving physical movement
(except one -winku-)






Needless to say, I've been watching a shit ton of Kuroko no Basket.
Kagami is so fucking cool and Kuroko is so bad-ass and the Generation of Miracles is... just.. rad as fuck ok. I've never really been into 'sports anime' because sports pretty much mean shit to me and I just give no fucks at all. But honestly, I loved the ending to Free!, Haikyuu! is followed religiously on my behalf and yeah.. as you can tell.. Kuroko no Basket is making its way up there. Yes, yes, yeeeees animeeee!
Anyway, let's get to the main focus of this entry, shall we? I got rather inspired by JEONGIE's home decor goodies that she got a while back, so I decided to venture out into the real world (oh no, the suuuuun!! -evaporates-) and get some things for my apt. Because honestly, my apt. isn't exactly fancy like hers. Mine is... well... it's... home :') hehe, I'll try to go through the items in the "close-ups". I didn't only get apt. stuff, but also some items for myself - a few necessities, movies and yeah.. some stationary thingies. Yup, yup. As you can tell, there's no pattern to this what so ever, so let's just get to it.

L-R: Harry Potter 1-8, Dark Shadows, Sweeney Todd, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Alice in Wonderland, Serial Experiments Lain 1-13, 1D This is Us, Die Hard (1-4) and Die Hard 5. Movieeeees! The 1D movie is for a movie night with some friends.. it's a thing ok, and I actually like 1D. Their songs are catchy as fuck. -jams to Story of My Life- Also.. many people hate on the Die Hard movies, but honestly... I think it's fucking great. It's got action, action - OH AND MORE ACTION. Not so much of that lovey-dovey bullshit that tends to ruin most good plots. Oh no, it's actiooooon! I love it!

L-R: Block candles, Sanex shower cream, conditioner (cause KAMI told me to get some, lol), makeup remover, silver shampoo, hair dye, scented candles, post cards, cute cups, small baskets (for makeup storage), hangers, paper clips.

Here are some close-ups of the baskets - the baskets I use for makeup storage and makeup brushes, then there is a bag of straws (lol), some flower buckets and a bit of the hangers. Ehh, not so interesting afterall.

Ironically I bought a sweater. It's summer and I got a big, warm sweater. Why, Nani, just whyyy? Anyway, it's soft as hell and I figured that it'd be good for those colder summer nights. Also the leopard print is BAD-ASS! HUE HUE HUE.

NANI NO BASKET! Haha, it's not really a basketball shirt, but on it kinda looks like it. I like it and it's soft and light for summer : D + Carlings is one of my favorite stores. It's not always affordable, but the quality is great! My denim vest is from that store and it's holding up SO well - def. worth the $80. Anyway, the sweater above was about $35 and this shirt was $18. Both 50% off original price - great deals! ^3^)/

LASTLY.....
Thank you for 250,000 hits btw! : D I can't believe my blog's been visited that many times. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH ♡ ♡ - I truly appreciate each and every one of you. Even if you only drop by a couple of times a week/month/year, please know that I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to check up on me. ^3^)/

Have a good one, guys!
You are da bomb diggiteeee-heeeee~!
MUCH LOVE