Saturday, February 07, 2015


FYNALE Hyper Red circle lenses

Ohohoho, all the puns. Yes! Hey guys!
Yeah yeah, it's been a while, I know, I know.
But I've been busy! I swear : D

But! This time around I bring with me an epic review of epic lenses. If you know me, you know that I fucking LOVE FYNALE lenses. They're comfy, they're affordable AND they look.. AWESOME. Always! Regardless of your eye color, they are vibrant and epic-looking, ok. However, they do have one weakness. Okay, maybe two.
1. When you put them on, they tend to stick to your fingers, because they're very thin and soft. This, however, helps make sure that they're comfortable and don't dry out your eyes as much as a regular soft lens might. 
2. They tend to drop a little bit and if you're in natural light (like I am in most of these photos), you can see a little bit of my natural eye color at the bottom of my eye. Clearly, had the weather not been as bright today, you wouldn't be able to tell. But because my pupils are contracted, you can see my green eye color underneath.
Anyway, let's get to some specs, yeah?
Line: Classic
Color: Hyper Red 0~500
Power: -5.0 till 0.0
Life span: 1 year
Diameter: 14.5 mm.
Base curve: 8.6mm.
Water content: 55%(!!!!)
Manufacturer: VASSEN

You can click here to PURCHASE through LensVillage
Free shipping on orders above $50 (sweet!!)

My verdict?
Comfort: ★★★
Enlargement: ☆☆★★
Price: ★★★★★
Color/pattern: ★★★★★

They're super comfortable (though not as comfortable as the Sincere 1Day lenses that I'll be reviewing soon, too). They're enlarging, but with their mere 14.5mm you can clearly go bigger if you're comfortable with that. The price is decent to me. $23 US is not bad for a pair of good lenses which - with the right care - can last you a long time. And obviously - I think the color is PERFECT, though it's not 'suuper' natural, so wearing it on a day-to-day basis probably isn't that appropriate. But I mean.. you do you. Do what you want, I ain't yo daddy. lol

Now to some photos of me looking stupid wearing them Ò__ó)/ So comfy, uuugh! 

and two w/flash, clearly lol
I may or may not be this pale irl >: D

I reckon they'd be great for an edgy ulzzang or maybe even a cosplayer - I can totally see these working for Rin Matsuoka, Mikoto Suoh or even Sebastian Michaelis. Generally anyone with a red eye that's meant to be "naturally red" (as if they exist, lol, but you catch my drift, yeah?)

Let me know if you get them! Tag me on Instagram (@dwaejieolgul) or something.. hell, tag @lensvillagedotcom if you get them! *__*

Thanks for reading

Friday, January 23, 2015

Freedom of Speech

If you're somewhat up to date on news in Europe, you've probably heard of the "JE SUIS CHARLIE"-campaign, the shooting in Paris, extremist attacks and 'freedom of speech'. I see a lot of people on Facebook (and Twitter) raging about the shooting and how innocent people were killed and how muslims are crazy - but honestly, as sad and cynical as this sounds - it is no surprise to me that this was the outcome of those (ridiculously unnecessary) drawings. This whole "you dare draw our prophet, so I keel you!" is making me a little.. well it makes me feel kinda weird but mostly uncomfortable. But so does this whole "We provoked them and they reacted! They are threatening our freedom of speech (and other various rights)!"-victimization. Anyway, this is me ranting. Some of you may like it, some of you may not. C'est la vie. I'll get over it and so will you. I added gifs for laughs, so if you think my opinions are dumb, at least you can look (and laugh) at those.
Now... I'm not religious. My relationship with god throughout my life has been kind of how Harry Potter learns (in the third movie while almost dying with his god father) that life is in HIS fucking hands. He thinks he's seeing his father saving his and Sirius' lives, but he comes to realize that the one who needs to save him is himself. No miracle - it's all him and his magical fucking wand (I wish I had a wand). Which is great! God is great if you need him - I grew up, learned many lessons the hard way and decided that I didn't need God. That's that.

The whole ordeal with freedom of speech and why it was granted as a right is (at least to me), that humanity needed to allow itself to grow and evolve, utilizing all resources accessible. By allowing everyone to speak their mind and discuss their ideas, it became OKAY to question the corrupt-as-fuck government, it became okay to not believe in God (and talk about it), it became okay to post articles in the newspaper about people doing cruel shit and demanding for them to get punished for it and it was accepted for minorities to also speak for themselves (ideally). It was a right that we needed. We still need and should protect that right, but with technology evolving and societies changing, it appears that people have a really hard time managing and utilizing this right properly.

Suddenly you 'are allowed to' do dumb shit by simply justifying it with "It's a free country!" or you can write anonymously to people on the internet, calling them fat and ugly, telling them to kill themselves because they're worthless on this earth. As long as you have "freedom of speech" you can apparently say whatever the fuck you want without it having consequences for YOU. However, what you say (and what you do) ultimately has consequences for the people you are doing/or saying it to. You do NOT have the right to break another human being's heart. You have the right to feel about them as you wish, but you do not have the "right" to tell them that they should die, just because YOU don't like them for whatever bullshit reason you can come up with to suit your low-ass self-esteem. Having "Freedom of Speech" does NOT MEAN that you can tell people that they're ugly, that their lives are worthless nor that their efforts are useless. If you truly do not care about someone, you would not take the time out of your day to go onto their webpage and write something awful to them. I strongly dislike Katy Perry's music and guess what? I never search her up anywhere - BECAUSE WHY WOULD I? It would be a ridiculous waste of time for me to look up her videos on youtube, watch them, obviously dislike them and then post something dumb in the comments. It's stupid! It doesn't help anyone and it doesn't serve any purpose! It's a waste of fucking time!!!! [insert frustrated face here]
I believe in the importance and vitality of freedom of speech - but I do not believe in the misuse of it, which is what I believe this whole "religion-mockery" has ultimately become. It is not about freedom of speech anymore, it's about pushing the limits and stretching the boundaries to see how far we can go before people snap and we get a reaction. It's become a childish game of who can do what to whom, why they're entitled to do so and how people's reactions are ground for prejudice - and that quite frankly makes me fucking sick. 

The printing of the Prophet Mohammed has shown itself to be an awful idea before. Jyllandsposten (a Danish newspaper) found that out a couple of years ago. Back then I didn't realize why people were so angry, because "Hey? You can just ignore them". But the other day, as I was discussing this with a friend for her paper in English class, it hit me - they actually can't. If they're walking down the street, minding their own business and their eyes wander across the landscape they might encounter a newspaper stand having put those images out front. Using the argument "Just don't look!" is so stupid, because you'd have to look at least once to realize that you don't want to see it. Muslims are being forced to look at images that are banned a sin by their culture - and we are forcing them to sin because WE CAN? Danish people are "protestant", but we're mostly known for "naaah we don't really give a fuck" - and I think that that's why we don't understand. Our relationship with faith is incredibly casual (if not non-existent) and we have no culture anymore that involves praying, honoring and following the teachings of a prophet or a god. Being a non-believer is cool! But forcing believers to sin is not cool at all. And abusing the right of expression to do that is not cool either. While it's widely argued whether or not Mohammed actually forbade images of him to be created, I still don't see the "humor" in picturing him as an extremist. Extremists can be muslim, but Islam is not extremist and does not encourage extremist behavior. Sure, the journalists of Charlie Hebdo can claim that they're poking fun at extremists, but it doesn't make sense to claim that you're not mocking a religion, when you've painted a picture of an extremist prophet just to piss people off. You could have chosen ANYone as the muslim representative, but you chose their sacred PROPHET?! Muslims in Europe already have a hard-ass time trying to fit in, integrate and feel at home. Why do these papers feel this insatiable urge to mock, aggravate and provoke them? It's like "If they don't react, they're bad muslims. If they do react, they're extremists and we should kick them out of our countries" is the general thought process here.

With that said, extremists attacking and killing journalists is WRONG. I 100% agree with the general "Je Suis Charlie"-message that we should not and will not censor our media, because a certain religious group does not like what we post or talk about. I also do not think that violence solves anything and to be honest, I find violence to be one of the most primitive means of an attempt at an "argument". It doesn't help. It doesn't justify, change or solve anything. You're just killing people and just because you didn't die in this battle, doesn't mean that you're the winner either. I'm pretty sure I read a part of the Quran a while ago, where it said that one should be faithful but NEVER force another being into faith, because that would cause nothing but fear and rebellion. What I would LOVE to see is anyone of faith, having felt hurt by these (or any) comics, grab a pen, paper and fight words with words. Draw the SHIT out of God, make mockery of France, America's pathetic excuse of an educational system, - even take a piss at Denmark! Grab a pen and illustrate how our government leaders act like fucking idiots, spending government funds on expensive suits because "well I couldn't afford it with my own money". Fight ink with ink! Don't grab a damn gun, because grabbing a gun and KILLING SOMEONE, because they said or drew something that you didn't like, will only prove the image of primitivity that the Western world has a tendency to unfairly hold Islam to. 

Imagine the confusion of the Western media if you released portraits of their flawed societies. Yeah, Europe can mock your faith and your prophet, but our social customs and ways of perception are so fucking flawed that you would have material for YEARS, just saying. We're so out of it that all we can point at you for is your prophet.. "Ha ha your God is stupid!"?!(?????) We have dozens of things that are so fucked up in our societies - our view on each other being the WORST thing by far closely followed by how fucking entitled we are - but the only thing we can laugh about is your religion? Really? It kills me that the actions of crazy extremists out-roar the beautiful gestures of muslim families taking in poor, Danish families for Christmas over the holidays, because these Danish families couldn't afford roast and a Christmas tree for themselves. It breaks my heart to know that majority of muslims lead beautiful, kindhearted lives; being open-minded, thoughtful, lawful, paying taxes to our society, creating economic flow with their local stores and giving their kids an education - yet all we see them as is terrorists and bombers? Are you fucking kidding me? We can hear 1,000 beautiful stories of kind-hearted immigrants in this god-forsaken country, but as soon as ONE acclaimed muslim fucks up, it's suddenly every muslim's fault? 

I am, though, having a hard time understanding why anyone would be angry if someone talked shit about their god - mainly because I'm not religious, but also because when I was religious, I had faith in my god. I didn't care about anyone else's view on God or how they felt about him. I just didn't give a shit. Everyone's relationship with god is different and personal. Your god and your relationship with your god is yours - it has nothing to do with anyone else and their opinion should not matter. If you believe in God, have faith in him. Trust him and trust that he will feel no harm towards the hateful words of others - and that he wouldn't want you to be tainted by them to either. Because they're just words. Mohammed didn't want you to picture him, because he feared that people would idolize him (at least that's what some Islam Studies people say). Let the foolish non-believers picture him, for their mockery leaves your prophet at no risk. Believe in your god, honor your prophet and live a good, kind life. You cannot kill fire with fire and you cannot expect everyone to honor your particular god, especially not if you force them. Accept other people and expect nothing but acceptance in return. And if people are not willing to accept you? Then walk away. You don't need them and it's a complete waste of time to try to educate people, who believe that they're better than you, anyway. Your lord may be the juiciest, most nourishing of peaches - yet some people simply don't like peaches. Kill people's ignorance with kindness and enlightenment. Let people talk, let them draw and let them act out in the name of "Freedom of Speech" - but don't you dare aim a gun at them, claiming to act in the name of Islam, which fundamentally preaches tolerance and LOVE. Because THAT, my friend, is such a strong sign of defeat and that will completely kill the original voice of the Quran. Instead of threatening people and forcing them to respect you - give them reason to. Make them unable not to.

There is no point in "scaring" people into not posting certain things, because then we'll be back at where we started before freedom of speech came into the picture. If you're offended by something? Great. Speak up! Create awareness. But don't give me the "Oh this soap is called Mediterranean-something and that offends me because I'm from Turkey and there's more to my country than water and soap"-bullshit. Don't drag entitlement into this, because you're so out of things to complain about that that's all you got.. that's the white folks' job. [sassy white gurl face here, because let's be real 눈.눈] Give me the raw truth. Tell me what is harmful and how we can stop it. Teach us how to make shit better! That's why we're all here! We need to learn from each other, educate one another and help each other move forward. It's so important that we work together and euthanize this whole "them" and "us"-shit, because it's not helping anyone.

And to the entitled, extremely embarrassing movement that has risen in Europe;
Would you get the fuck over yourselves?
Violence solves nothing, but provocation sure as fuck doesn't help. What point are you proving? That 'yes, indeed, bulls don't like red cloths'? WHY do you have to use methods that are so 3rd grade, when you're clearly dealing with extremist people that are extremely (haha) sensitive to provocation? You saw this coming. Don't act all innocent, here. You basically kicked a lion in the face and are now running around in the streets yelling "LIONS ARE VICIOUS HUMAN-PROSECUTORS" because it bit you in return? I'm not justifying the actions of the extremists (I already argued how primitive their response was), but can you PLEASE stop acting as if this happened completely out of your hands - as if we hadn't seen this happen before? Yes, freedom of speech is something we should protect and be proud of - but on that note, could you PLEASE stop abusing it and taking advantage of its definition by throwing dirt in people's faces and then claim victim when shit hits the fan?

This whole incident went like*:
- "I have the right to piss them off, so I will"
- 'Oh but sir, they might do something extreme tho...'
- "Yeah, but we'll take the chance IN THE NAME OF FREE PRESS. Wahahhaha! Yes!" 
- 'But we've seen this before and it didn't go well.'
- "I know, but we have freedom of speech, so let's see how far we can take it"
-  *shit goes down big time and people die in a tragic shooting*
- "This is a great example of how Islam is awful and we should protect freedom of speech from these awful, awful people who are trying to take over our society!"

*clearly a dramatization, lol

I mean... are you kidding me? This is a great example of why we should protect freedom of speech, indeed - but not from muslims. Rather from the entitled fuck-heads who think that freedom of speech is a legitimate reason to hurt people intentionally. We're allowed to think for ourselves, people. Hell, we NEED to! Instead of escalating shit into a disaster from the beginning, how about using our freedom of speech for GOOD? Snowden is an excellent example of freedom of speech being utilized as intended; government is doing sneaky shit and we need to raise awareness because what they're doing is WRONG! Fuck yeah, dude! Good job, Snowden! Another great example is Malala Yousafzai - raising awareness of the suppression of girls and how they're denied education in her home country, Pakistan. She was attempted assassinated several times but stood by her word and kept fighting! She went against the fucking Taliban! By utilizing media and their freedom of speech, they created incredible results and made the entire world aware of what was going on. This is what freedom of speech is all about! We need to use our freedom to create equality, awareness and to employ relevant solutions to fix what is wrong in this world. We were not granted freedom of speech as a tool to undermine populations, mock religion and hurt people. I am all for the rights to express one self, but I do NOT condone anyone abusing our rights in the name of freedom, just to make fun of people or intentionally provoke a reaction that is completely unnecessary. 
I am NOT saying that the victims of the shooting at Charlie Hebdo had it coming (though part of me is very tempted to say (and feel) that). I am not saying that the extremists were right for doing what they did NOR will I EVER condone murder as a solution to anything. But what I will say is that in my opinion, Charlie Hebdo could have utilized "freedom of speech" in much better ways, creating an awareness and debate about the fear of extremist attacks much more effectively. They proved nothing of relevance by drawing extremely offensive "satire" drawings of Mohammed and then provoking a reaction. It doesn't prove that our freedom of speech is under attack or that it's threatened - it only proves that we're so out of ways to utilize it, that we start using it for dumb, meaningless shit. I see no point in the Mohammed drawings, I clearly have no clue what the fucking point of creating and releasing them was and I honestly can't say that I'm a wholehearted "supporter" of Je Suis Charlie, because what exactly is this all for? They say it's for freedom of speech and free press, but are we really trying to protect our freedom of speech as it was INTENDED - or are we just super confused as to what we're really trying to do with this? We should be able to start debates, we should be able to discuss religion and talk about this freely - but as soon as we start intentionally hurting each other, hiding behind a "right" like this..? I cannot and will not support that. This is not what freedom of speech is about.

I don't know. I feel that now, in 2015 (and even in 2014 as well), it's become a tendency for people to be EXTREMELY entitled to do and say all sorts of stupid shit. The entitlement sees no limitations as to what it will demand and shall have. "I have the right..", "I am entitled to", "it's in the constitution that..", "I should get..", "I demand.." - it sees no end. People apparently have such incredible rights that they don't know how to use them. They forgot what the rights were truly there for and they forgot WHY. It's so fucking frustrating to see this abuse of rights going left and right every single day, because some people have it SO good that they're out of legitimate things to complain about. So what do they do? They start picking at benign little scratches in the surface, claiming them to be huge tumors of discomfort. People turn to social media to raise awareness of "offensive causes" that by now are SO fucking STUPID, that I cannot even fathom what the fuck people are thinking anymore (it does appear, actually, that they may not be thinking at all). We tip-toe between entitlement and "political correctness" so much that we can't even tell them apart anymore. What are we really fighting for and why? Does it even truly matter? Are we really so self-centered that we think that our petty opinion of something so painfully benign is super important to the world as a whole?

It seems like a huge waste of resources to me. We could be bringing incredible stories of people doing amazing things every day. GOOD news! Let's bring in the roll of good news and let's give the spotlight and attention to more Snowdens and more Malalas in the future! Instead of focusing on this one offended person, who's angry about Britney Spears' eyebrows, we could focus on what's really important. We fight for equality but some equality we apparently don't want, because then it's cultural appropriation? To me it just seems that we are SO mind-numbingly self-centered. We're so selfish by now that only our opinions matter and they should matter equally as much to everyone else too, otherwise they simply don't understand our struggle. What the hell happened, guys? Could we all just have a meeting back down on earth, please? Where did you all get these pedestals from?

All I'm saying is that a little kindness and a little care for other people goes a long way. Stop expecting the WORST, stop thinking exclusively of yourself and start holding the door for the people that enter the building after you. Smile, compliment people and help them if they're about to drop their shit. If people fuck up - correct them, help them,  but don't smear it in their faces and don't break their little hearts! If you've been wronged - speak up, make people understand, but don't hold it against someone if they don't live their lives according to your struggles. I think what we truly forget way too often in this day and age is that we all have tiny, beating hearts. And all hearts can break. Some easier than others - but they can all break. You don't know how many cracks a person's heart has and you don't know if your insult could be the final blow. Why do we have this odd urge to fucking ruin each other all the time? Keep in mind that we all deal with shit. Why is it so "cool" and "admirable" to be a dumb-fuck dimwit? THINK for yourself, EXECUTE kindness and SPREAD some god damn love, people. We need to lift each other up instead of kicking each other to the curb and stomping on our faces. Be real - don't be a jerk. Be genuine - no frontin'. And most importantly - be kind. Is what you're about to say really worth it? Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful? Can we learn from it? If so.. speak on it, dude. If not? Think again. Could you potentially be hurting someone? Because if you could hurt someone with your words, would you find your point worth the pain? Would the person you're telling it to find it worth the pain?
I tend to come off as brutally honest and I don't sugarcoat anything. I think it's a waste of time to wrap shit up in cute little verbal bows, just because some people may or may not be offended by me saying "fuck" a few times (my British professor's struggle with my swearing is legit, ok. please pray for him). If you want the truth - Imma give it to you. I would never intentionally hurt someone, but I would also never lie to make someone feel a little more comfortable with a half-truth. I don't work that way. Some people hate it - others love it, because I ain't about that bullshit. I love people who speak the truth, but my trained eye (and mind) can also tell when people are truthful to hurt you, to uplift themselves or to simply be truthful. Try to pay attention to what people are saying, pay attention to their body language, their intonation, their eyes (unless they grew up in a pack of dogs like me where eye contact means "I can beat you up dude, and I fucking might", then don't mind the eyes.). I think if we paid a little more attention to our surroundings, put on our positivity-hat and assumed more kindness than doubt, then society would improve so rapidly you have no idea.

Ugh, I feel like this whole rant may have painted a picture of an extremist-sympathizer. Or maybe it painted a picture of a stupid girl with a naive outlook on the world. I just truly wish that we'd stop fronting, stop talking shit and just get real for a second. What is TRULY going on here and how can we fix this shit? Are our problems really problems are are we just whining because we can?

GAHH, the frustration I hold for humanity is breeding in my head


I honestly just needed to post this into the interweb space and get it off my chest, because this whole "freedom of speech" and entitlement bullshit has been bothering me for quite a while. Also I may have used a little too many gifs, lol. Aren't gifs so great, though?

Hope you're all well!
and I hope that you enjoyed (or just read) this entry.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


오랜만이네. 미안해.
바빠서블로그를쓰고싶지않거든요 ㅠ.ㅠ
근데요즘은내방학이야! 우와~~! 좋군좋군 ㅋㅋ

굿타임스 ㅋㅋ
아! 그리고내생일도지나갔어요. 12월21일이지.
아줌마가벌써됐구나... 눈.눈

HEY! It's been a while - excuse the sporadic posts.. yet again lol
I've been busy with shit and therefore didn't really have any desire to blog - however, shit went down and here I am to share some photos.. a huge amount of photos, actually o__o" dang. Dinners, friends, shopping trips and some traveling - all for youuuuuu~ 너만을위해서  /le sings/ lol
Let's get it - let's goooo~

I am in dire need of a haircut

I went to Beijing (twice) with this idiot ♡
so good, yo

Chinese food with my dad ♡

I shopped with JEONGIE and her man!

I celebrated my birthday a little early

sushi with friends and colleagues

but also celebrated with family ♡

I got a few presents!

on the same occasion I was noticed by senpai *Q*

I also had Sunset Boulevard noms at some point

I was gifted TWO bubble teas on the same day!

One by my 최현주선생님, who casually stopped by my work and dropped off two bubble teas - one for me and one for JEONGIE! ^3^)/

and one by the ever-so-delightful Dai >: D Thank youuuuu

I spent some Matas points on a little something for myself!

My friends came back from Korea with presents : D

(they keep gifting me Amber-photos. Probably a mockery of how people called me Amber in Korea 눈.눈 or a hint towards the fact that I'm just so uncool lol)

I finished two books!

(great quote btw)^

and started a third one already! I made it to chapter 11 so far..

(another great quote btw)^

I put on "foot masks"

(I know.. I have cankles. oh well..)

I felt (yet again) cheated of a great anime based on Litchi Hikari Club

I went home for Christmas!

and finally.. I reminded myself that I'm all good

So yeah.. I had a great birthday, a great end to the semester (fucking FINALLY OMG IN SUCH NEED OF VACATION HERE) and now.. it's December 24th. I'm so excited to see my family's reaction to their presents, yo >: D it's gonna be EPIC.

I wish you all a merry fucking Christmas and may you all devour the tastiest of foods without gaining weight ^__^)/


Happy holdays!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

소원을말해봐 ~ WISHLIST 2014 ☆


크리스마스와생일소원들입니당. 좀보여줄까?
ㅋㅋ 알았어요. 그럼보여줄게용

(아! 그리고.. 내생일은12월21일인데요. 축하한다고하는게잊지마세용 ㅋㅋ)

Leading up to Christmas, here are some of my wishes for 2014. My birthday is on December 21st, so usually my Christmas wishlist counts for that too ^3^)/

NARSissist palette

Black/Gunmetal (matte) 

IKEA Sultan Silsand
120x200cm or 140x200cm

Hybrid camera
SONY Alpha 6000

IKEA Table (for kitchen/dining area)
(I also usually wish for gift cards)

For women, EDT

SeX PoT Revenge tshirt
Sex Pot Revenge

크리스마스잘보내세요, 여러분!
내생일날좀잊지말라고했죠 ^3^)/

If you're interested (or need inspiration for gift ideas) HERE'S MY AMAZON WISHLIST link.

I'm also wishing for some cash this year, because I got this super epic tattoo in mind that I really want to realize. I took my idea to the shop today, but sadly the artist said that it wouldn't work with the amount of detail and the size (damn skinny arms!!!!) that I wanted.. So I'm gonna have to re-think it all :( boo! I went shopping with JEONGIE tho and we had a great day of retail therapy with her boyfriend J (who's also one of my good friends, hue hue).

Anyway! Hope you had a lovely day.

Happy holidays!
(and please don't forget my birthday, lol)


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

의사선생님, 이건뭔가요? (heart to heart - kinda)

Hello internet
I've been gone for a long time. 

It's already November and it hit me the other day, that we passed the 1-year day for when my depression "started". I put started in "-" because depression isn't really something that you get from one day to the other. It's a long process. I'm not sure why I've been so embarrassed to talk about it. Usually I just talk about it as me being "sick for a while" which isn't wrong at all, but I feel that it's a little misleading. And I spoke of it that way on purpose because I was ashamed. Not only of letting my illness get that far but also because I feel weak for giving into it. Now, 9 months into recovery, I can tell you - with a smile on my face - that I am doing so much better.

I was diagnosed in January 2014 with severe depression triggered by stress - I was MISERABLE, suicidal and just a complete wreck. I lost a lot of weight and I looked awful. If you follow me on YOUTUBE, you may have noticed that I deleted my most recent vlog - for the mere reason that I felt really uncomfortable watching it. I thought I was doing really well when I made that video, but looking back now I was not myself. I looked terrible. I looked sick, and it scared the shit out of me to see that. So I got rid of it. 

I started therapy in the beginning of February and it was a struggle to gather the courage to open up to my therapist and just let it all go. However, I set my mind to NOT giving up. I refused to live a life that miserable. I refused to hate myself and I refused to be ashamed of me. I wanted to rid myself of the pressure that I'd put on myself, I wanted to smile again and enjoy being with friends and family. My ultimate low was on New Year's Eve 2013, and I will never forget that night. That was when it really dawned on me that I needed help.

I've come a long way for the past 9 months and I'm finally ready to tell you all what has been going on. I suffered from severe stress and depression, I had daily panic attacks and I was unable to perform normal daily tasks - even figuring out what to eat was stressful to me, so I usually ended up not eating at all; causing me to lose the weight. I was punishing my mind and punishing my body for something that was never my fault. I always had a tendency to be very much in my own head, but when you finally stick your sensors out of your head, out into the world.. it's fucking terrifying! All those feelings that I was never aware of! The way people behaved, how social conduct was done, all the things you weren't allowed to say or do or feel because "oh no, that's politically incorrect". Well you know what? FUCK THAT. 

A huge part of my recovery has been to stop "earning" things that made me happy. I have a slight OCD that causes me to have to have all chores done for the day before I am allowed to say; watch TV or eat food. I still feel that way a lot of times, but I've gotten better at saying "Hey? Why the fuck do I need permission to do things that I like to do and that make me happy?" And the thing is - I DON'T. It's this weird idea that I somehow planted in my own head. 

The OCD part isn't the only thing that's gotten better. I've become much better at avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable. This is especially important because my anxiety is still pretty bad. I used to not really have much anxiety at all. Of course I'd get elevated heart rate and sweaty palms when speaking in public, but never to the extent I'm at now. I went to the doctor's today and the verdict on my current condition?

I went from stress-induced, severe depression
- to moderate anxiety

I knew that I had anxiety (the severe panic attacks spoke for themselves) but I never knew that it was actually this bad. However, looking back at the type of things I avoid in order to keep my anxiety in check? Yeah, those should've been a clue, alright. There are many things that I am able to do because of therapy, taking time off from uni, finding a new, better job etc. But there are also many things that will take me a long time to be able to do again. Maybe months, maybe years. Either way, while it's really difficult for me, I'm gonna have to be patient about it. 

I'm not really sure why I'm telling you this. Maybe I needed to get it off my chest. It helped a little, at least. Hue hue. For so long I was really embarrassed about this whole ordeal, but after getting the results in today that I now have moderate anxiety. Yeah.. recovery is not easy - but it's damn worth it! I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I have a very particular system when it comes to managing my time between uni, work and friends. Admittedly I love working, going to class and then coming home and being just myself. If you've never hated yourself full on for years on end, I don't think you'll understand how big an accomplishment it is for me to actually be able to tolerate my own company. I enjoy my solitude. Not in a depressing way, but in a "I'm good enough to hang with"-kind of way... if that makes sense....? I don't dread the silence or the lack of people present anymore. Actually, people being around makes me more anxious than being alone does. Ahh~ now all I need is a cat  :')  *side-eyes mom* (Hehe, she won't let me get one. I live on my own and am an adult, but I respect my parents' opinions on things a lot.. so yeah)

Also, speaking of my parents, I guess this is a great opportunity to thank them. Not only thank them for helping me seek help, but for providing the help and support I needed, when I was still in denial about being depressed and in serious need of help. They picked up the pieces of me when I was literally scattered all over the floor and put me back together. I would not have been here if it wasn't for them, and I'm not sure that they know that. So mom and dad; I thank you. From the bottom of my heart I want you to know that you saved my life. No words will ever be enough to express the love and gratitude I have for you and what you've done for me. Jeg elsker jer! ♡ 

Phew, that got a little emotional..


I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that it gets better, but it's your choice to take the first step towards getting better. People can hand you all the tools in the world to fix everything, but if you don't want to pick up and utilize those tools, you can't move forward. You have to be willing to take a chance. What do you really have to lose? My thoughts when I stepped into that doctor's office were "Fuck, this is terrifying what do I do aaarghhhhhhfsgkll!?!?!?!" but after that "Well, I don't have anything to lose. Cause this sure as shit can't get any worse." 

One year later it feels like that "me", the really sick and tired and exhausted me, existed centuries ago. Sometimes I even feel like it wasn't really me at all, but someone who took over my life for a while and then gave it back to me, ruined. Now that I'm back on the other side.. I feel relief. I'm content for the first time since... I think since I was 9 years old. Isn't that incredible? I've gone through so many childhood memories and issues that I created in my head. I've worked through it all and all I can really think about it now is "You silly, little girl." I guess the danger of being in your own head is that you tend to not express your feelings until they really boil over. And I still have to work on that. I have awful mood swings, my impatience is numbing and my intolerance is.. ridiculous, lol. But I'm working on that. I'm dealing with it because bottling shit up isn't worth it. 

When people say "Ugh, I'm so depressed today" all I have to say to that is "Oh, only today? Aren't you the luckiest of all!" because when you patronize and make little of someone's illness like that, it makes people feel like utter shit. Stop acting like depression or anxiety is some sort of "fashionable" defect, cause it fucking isn't. It's crippling! It's not something to be glorified as if it's some rare, vintage record. People with depression don't need your half-assed attempt at advice. They don't need "Oh, cheer up!" or "Why can't you just smile more?". I's a clear rejection of an illness that people cannot help. 

Would you kick someone with a broken leg over the shin and go "Just get up and walk on it, will ya'?!" because guess the fuck what, YOU CAN'T. No one expects someone with the flu and a fever or a broken leg to run a marathon, because that illness is physically there. They can measure it with a thermometer or document it with an x-ray. You can't do that with depression. Mine was only taken so seriously by my acquaintances because I lost so much weight that I started looking.. well... fucking terrible. They could TELL, physically, that I was not well. And that made it easier for them to relate to - therefore it was fine. But before I lost all the weight, before I turned deadly pale and before my hands were all shaky and weird from the anxiety.. who would send me texts and Facebook messages like these "Dude, why are you skipping class? You need to know this!", "Seriously.. You skipping again?", "Dude just come by for ONE hour, seriously", "Let me guess, you're not coming?"? - they would. And those snarky-ass comments? You can SHOVE THEM. 

I didn't need them. Nobody needs them and even if I was skipping class because I was lazy - guess what? It ain't your damn business. You are in no position to judge. Just because I don't live my life according to your reality it does NOT give you the right to judge me or my existence at all. I was in pain, I was suffocating and you were kicking dirt in my face because at least you went to class? Well what a fucking accomplishment. You will definitely go places in this world. My god.. because of people like you, my mom had to tell me SO MANY TIMES (and still to this day she tells me this often): "You would not go to class if you had a fever, you would not run a marathon with a broken leg and you would not force yourself to play tennis with a broken arm. So stop forcing yourself to do things that you're not comfortable with or capable of, just because you cannot "see" your own illness. It's there. It's legit and it's okay. Stop pushing yourself!" 

My mom is an incredible woman (and my dad an incredible man!), okay. Just saying. Anyway, speaking of the flu and a fever.... I actually have the flu, lol. I've been feverish and red-cheeked all weekend and I was having a crazy hot-flash at the doctor's today. Luckily no pneumonia is on the way, so it's just a matter of relaxing and getting sufficient rest. The joint pain is the worst, tho. My god, it kills! I'm taking the next two days off from uni to focus on recovering.. Hopefully I can get back into working out, eating clean and going back to class next week. And after that.. maybe youtube videos? ; D hue hue hue. We'll see. I really wanna start making them again! I miss editing.

 I'm sorry if this entry didn't make much sense. I randomly felt like spilling this word-vomit all over the internet and if there are any odd sentences - blame my fever-burnt brain ok. lol. It's taken me two days to convince myself that staying home from uni tomorrow is okay. -sigh-  I'm a very restless person, okay? So sitting still, relaxing and doing "nothing" is literally torture for me. I can sit still for a bit.. but if my brain has nothing to do, I get crazy restless and antsy. It drives me crazy. It usually drives me into doing dishes, laundry, cleaning and sorting through my things just to have something physical to do. Sadly this leads to my flu getting worse and lasting for much longer. My colds can last up to 3 weeks because of this! 

But for the first time since.. well, Buddha knows when, I'm allowing myself to take some time off from school to actually recover 100%. So yay me!

Also, did you guys know that the reason, your joints and muscles hurt so bad during the flu, is because the white blood cells, who usually repair and rebuild your muscles and joints on a daily basis, are redirected to fight off the infection? So they're neglecting their muscle- and joint repair in order to fight off the nasty flu. The body then raises its temperature in order to hopefully purge out the infection! HOW COOL IS THAT? Knowledge, you guys. Knowledge. 

My god, my head's about to explode. Let's call it a night, shall we? Hopefully an ibuprofen or two before bed will kill the worst of the joint pains and actually let me sleep tonight >__< phuu~

When I feel better, I will get to back to blogging.